Often children have minimal information. I was asked to evaluate a young girl who was suspected of having been abused.  I asked her where the man had touched her and she said, “Down there.”  When I asked her to point to the part of her body she was referring to she pointed to her vagina.  In order to present the evidence, it was necessary for her to know the appropriate term.  I taught her and showed her pictures of bodies of boys, girls, men and women to learn the names of the parts of the body.

It is interesting how we can easily teach the words eyes, nose, mouth, hands, stomach, etc., but we cannot label body parts that have any connection to sex.  Thus penis, vagina, breasts, nipples, are avoided.  We also do not teach universal terms for excretion: urination and bowel movement.

We are sexual creatures from birth.  We respond to touch.  It is a wise thing to acknowledge so that young people do not feel uncomfortable for their sensual feelings.  Children do have curiosity about the body parts of the other sex, and the opportunity to discretely see a parent or sibling naked is a safe way to learn.

We are able to experience a multitude of feelings when we are born.  It does not matter where we are born, our gender, our ethnicity, our color, or our language.  We cry, we smile, we frown.  We feel happy, sad, frustrated, jealous, anxious, melancholy, excited, thrilled, depressed, ambivalent, and on and on.

There is great value in being taught the word that describes our feelings.  It draws attention to our experience by giving it a name.

I encourage parents and teachers to provide this lesson for children.  When a child cries, to ask, “What are you feeling?”  If there is no answer, the adult can follow up with, “Are you sad?  Are you angry?  Are you disappointed?”  This helps the child identify the feeling and it validates the right to feel.

If an adult can ask the child to talk about the feeling, what it feels like, what caused it, the child learns to feel and to express words to describe the experience.  This enables us to work through feelings rather than holding on to them and not disclosing the experience fully, even to ourselves.

Emotionally, we feel better when feelings are expressed.

When I was growing up, after graduating from high school, most women married, or went to college, or got jobs.  In my community, most went to college.  I knew no one who made one of the other two choices.

Women who went to college were encouraged to become teachers or nurses.  It was before the feminist activity occurred and females rarely considered other professions.  When I was young, I thought of becoming a lawyer.  I do not remember where that came from, but it did not last long.

My mother decided I should be a teacher.  She felt it was a wise choice in case my husband could no longer work.  Consider the thoughts intrinsic to that message.  I would marry.  My husband would be the provider.  And I would not work out of the home unless he died or was disabled.  I was not alone as a receiver of this script.

To have courses to discuss careers, marriage, and other life options would be an enhancement to the life course of young people.  Too often the programming we are given is predicated on the views of our parents and teachers and society.

After high school, we have choices to make. The options include college, trade school, marriage, work, and the military.  How do we decide which path to pursue?

Some make the choice that was modeled in their family or community.  Some adhere to what family, peers or educators have noted is their strength.  Not often do people take time to question their own interests and career options.  Not often do people acknowledge that they may not really know what they want to do.

And who is available to discuss these options with?

I recall when my daughter went to register for classes when she was beginning college.  An advisor told her she needed to cite her major before she was able to register.  She said she had no idea what she intended to pursue.  She saw undergraduate school as an exploratory time.  He said she needed to put her major on the stipulated line.

She wrote, “Not math.”  Of that she was certain.

The emotional struggle experienced from middle school through high school is partly biochemical.  Our bodies change very quickly during these years.  For some it is a more rapid change than others.  We are also caught between two distinct stages of our lives: childhood and adulthood.

We are no longer children and we are not adults.  We are dependant and we want to be independent.  At times it is expected we be more independent and we want to be less responsible.  Often how we want to be in not how the adults in our lives want us to be.

When I attended my 50^th high school reunion, I had an experience that opened my eyes.  A man with a microphone approached me and four other women who were standing nearby.  He asked if the five of us would answer a question.  A photographer videotaped as we spoke.  The man asked, “How did you feel when you were in high school?”  I was the first to respond.  I said, “Sad and inadequate.”  The other women said, “Ditto.”

I had not been alone in high school though, at the time, I thought I was.

One person I saw in my career as a psychologist stands out for me. I was called by a parent who wanted her high school senior daughter to see me. The young woman was very depressed.  Her parents were very worried about her.  The mother said the girl wanted to talk to me alone and she supported that request.  I agreed to do so as the girl was 18 years old.

The day of the appointment, I entered the waiting room and saw a beautiful woman wearing a cheerleading outfit.  She came into my office and told me that she wanted me to listen initially.  While crying, she said she was an honors student, had been accepted to the university of her choice, and her boyfriend was the captain of the football team.  She was a cheerleader for her high school. She had no experiences with trauma or abuse.  She said, “I know I am attractive and that I have everything my peers dream of.  I have loving parents who have provided me the time I have wanted to talk to them about how I am feeling and have said they will do anything to support me.  There is nothing wrong with my life, and that is what scares me.  I do not have an explanation for being so scared and sad.  That is my fear.  What inadequacy do I have that I have not been able to look at?”

We talked about classic feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, depression and lack of control while in high school. I explained the biochemical changes that occur during adolescence.  I talked about being caught between being a child and an adult.

As I spoke, her body relaxed in her chair as she realized she was not atypical.  The feelings she was having fit her age.

She then said, “Why has no one ever taught about this time in my life?”  She said she was aware that the entire feeling state of her body and emotions had changed while I was speaking.  She felt relieved.

That was 20 years ago.  Her story has served many adolescents well.

We are never educated about the stages of development we go through in our lives.

Growing up with very limited time with infants and young children, I turned to Dr. Spock’s book Baby and Child Care when I had a question about my first child.

As my career developed (as did my three children) I learned more. I became fascinated by the term “terrible twos.” I discovered this was a time when a child discovered his or her own opinion. A child begins to verbalize or express his or her own thoughts rather than following adult guidance. I was thrilled to discover my children had their own thoughts, preferences and feelings. I did have a goal to raise independent people who could take care of themselves.

It was not always easy when we were in conflict, and I did not always yield to their want, but I did not find it a “terrible” time. They were discovering themselves and we learned ways to be together.

I find this a subject that comes up often with parents seeking help with their children. I encourage them to verbally acknowledge the child’s preference and the existing disagreement. And then, they have to decide the best resolution, which may be the parent’s preference. At least the child is acknowledged. This has been so helpful to many.

If only we were taught more about this in school.