The emotional struggle experienced from middle school through high school is partly biochemical.  Our bodies change very quickly during these years.  For some it is a more rapid change than others.  We are also caught between two distinct stages of our lives: childhood and adulthood.

We are no longer children and we are not adults.  We are dependant and we want to be independent.  At times it is expected we be more independent and we want to be less responsible.  Often how we want to be in not how the adults in our lives want us to be.

When I attended my 50^th high school reunion, I had an experience that opened my eyes.  A man with a microphone approached me and four other women who were standing nearby.  He asked if the five of us would answer a question.  A photographer videotaped as we spoke.  The man asked, “How did you feel when you were in high school?”  I was the first to respond.  I said, “Sad and inadequate.”  The other women said, “Ditto.”

I had not been alone in high school though, at the time, I thought I was.

One person I saw in my career as a psychologist stands out for me. I was called by a parent who wanted her high school senior daughter to see me. The young woman was very depressed.  Her parents were very worried about her.  The mother said the girl wanted to talk to me alone and she supported that request.  I agreed to do so as the girl was 18 years old.

The day of the appointment, I entered the waiting room and saw a beautiful woman wearing a cheerleading outfit.  She came into my office and told me that she wanted me to listen initially.  While crying, she said she was an honors student, had been accepted to the university of her choice, and her boyfriend was the captain of the football team.  She was a cheerleader for her high school. She had no experiences with trauma or abuse.  She said, “I know I am attractive and that I have everything my peers dream of.  I have loving parents who have provided me the time I have wanted to talk to them about how I am feeling and have said they will do anything to support me.  There is nothing wrong with my life, and that is what scares me.  I do not have an explanation for being so scared and sad.  That is my fear.  What inadequacy do I have that I have not been able to look at?”

We talked about classic feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, depression and lack of control while in high school. I explained the biochemical changes that occur during adolescence.  I talked about being caught between being a child and an adult.

As I spoke, her body relaxed in her chair as she realized she was not atypical.  The feelings she was having fit her age.

She then said, “Why has no one ever taught about this time in my life?”  She said she was aware that the entire feeling state of her body and emotions had changed while I was speaking.  She felt relieved.

That was 20 years ago.  Her story has served many adolescents well.

We are never educated about the stages of development we go through in our lives.

Growing up with very limited time with infants and young children, I turned to Dr. Spock’s book Baby and Child Care when I had a question about my first child.

As my career developed (as did my three children) I learned more. I became fascinated by the term “terrible twos.” I discovered this was a time when a child discovered his or her own opinion. A child begins to verbalize or express his or her own thoughts rather than following adult guidance. I was thrilled to discover my children had their own thoughts, preferences and feelings. I did have a goal to raise independent people who could take care of themselves.

It was not always easy when we were in conflict, and I did not always yield to their want, but I did not find it a “terrible” time. They were discovering themselves and we learned ways to be together.

I find this a subject that comes up often with parents seeking help with their children. I encourage them to verbally acknowledge the child’s preference and the existing disagreement. And then, they have to decide the best resolution, which may be the parent’s preference. At least the child is acknowledged. This has been so helpful to many.

If only we were taught more about this in school.