I call my kids on Saturdays when I have the time available.  This has been a ritual since they were in college away from home.

I called Erik’s home today and left a message asking him to return my call.

This afternoon the phone rang and it was Isaac.  He is 11 years old.  We talked about his week.  He told me about a project he completed for his architecture and design course.  He informed me that they had gotten bean bags for the rec room.  I indicated that I will be at his soccer game next week.

I then asked to speak to Ari, who is eight.  Ari told me about a Netflix series he is watching.  I told him I would be at his soccer game next week also.  I indicated that I knew his Dad was running an errand and would call me when he got home.  Ari said, “My Mom is here.”  I said he could give her the phone.  He said, “I’ll ask her if she wants to talk to you.” He started to laugh.

Ellen took the phone and I told her what Ari said. She laughed and said, “I did not know I had a choice.  I wish he had told me.”

Cuteness prevails in this family.

When people think of intimate connections, they typically are referring to couple relationships: lovers, partners, mates.   I certainly understand that.

I am aware that I also have intimate connections with my children.  When they were young, I used to have a “date” with each one of them.  We went for a walk, or out to eat, or to a movie, or shopping, or on a trip.  It was important to me to maintain a very personal one to one relationship with each one of them.  They have shared the value of that for them also.

This weekend I visited my daughter in Los Angeles.  I do this twice a year.  We do have certain rituals during my time there.  However, the conversation is always disclosing about who we are in the moment.  We truly keep up with who we are at all times.  I had the opportunity to share meals with a few of her friends who I continue to enjoy over the years.  The same openness exists with them.

Next weekend I spend a good part of Sunday with my other daughter.  We do this whenever we can.  We will begin by going to my grandson’s soccer game, then she and I will have lunch and attend a concert together.  In between the activities, we will exchange thoughts and feelings on a deeper level.

I need to set up a “date” with my son.  I find that the nights my grandson’s sleep over, we have the same opportunity.

Moving to California has gratified my primary desire to spend more time with these precious people.

The feelings of scare, helplessness, powerlessness and anger have been common in my office since the presidential election.  I did not anticipate the commonality of those themes.  I know that I am in a progressive community where residents do not live with pervasive fears of segregation, discrimination, violence, racism, homophobia or xenophobia.  It is a very diverse area.

And yet, there is fear.

One client travels all over the world and is concerned about not being able to return to the United States at some point.  At this time her fear would seem to be irrational.

Another person is an illegal Canadian and is terrified she will be deported.  She is married to an American and has a child from that relationship.  She wanted to protest at one of the airports, but was too afraid to do so.

Another is frightened that there will be control over the internet.  His work and his communication is based on the internet.

A gay client attends college out of state and says all the gays she knows are afraid.

I am pleased I can offer a room where people can ventilate.  I encourage action of some sort to countermand the feelings of powerlessness.  Everyone can do something.  Hopefully each can find comradery by doing so and feel the benefit of contributing to change.

Sometimes there is realistic paranoia.

I participated in the Women’s March in Oakland.  The estimate is that 100,000 people participated in that march.  There were many men and many children. That meant a lot to me.

I raised my three children with a strong focus on values.  Caring about people, being non-judgmental, and being true to one’s beliefs were some of them.  It meant a lot to me that my children, now adults and parents, participated in the marches yesterday also.  We were in three different cities.

I recall going to marches with my daughters years ago.  I involved them in the issues of the time, women’s rights and abortion rights.  It was important to me to lay a foundation of what I believed was a humane view of the world.  I always encouraged them to be honest about who they were and I knew that their views and beliefs might become different than mine as they aged.

And yet, yesterday, they demonstrated they have internalized the same values.  And they, too, continue to take action in regard to their beliefs.

I applaud those who brought their children yesterday.

Role model for someone.  It feels very fulfilling. And, more importantly, encourages an impact on how the values move forward.

Stay active.

Working full time.  Raising children.  Running errands.  Taking care of pets.  Taking care of the home.  Preparing meals. Doing laundry.  Taking phone calls.  Making phone calls.  Taking care of bills and business.  Shopping.

There is much to do on most days.  Often there is little down time in the evening.  We look forward to the weekend, hoping for less of a schedule.

Add one more unexpected phenomenon, like illness, and the overwhelmed feeling goes over the edge.

For the most part, this is how we choose to live our lives.  I encourage making a commitment to having a break.  Schedule it so that it is a part of our ritual.

Go to a restaurant.  Go to a movie.  Go to the library.

I advocate this strongly to couples with children so that they can maintain a private, intimate relationship where they can truly catch up with each other.  Do this once a week.  It makes a difference.

Relax.

We all have rituals in our lives.  It requires less thinking.  When I wake up I use the bathroom and brush my teeth.  The same before I go to bed.  It takes a while to develop a pattern that becomes a fixed part of our lives.

We moved to California during the drought.  I learned how to reduce the amount of water we used.  When guests came for dinner, whatever water remained in their glasses or the pitcher was poured over the lawn.  We also had a large bucket in the shower and water was collected that was also poured on the lawn. This was called gray water as it had soap in it.  These acts enabled us to sprinkle no more than twice a week (city law) and maintain a green lawn.

We flushed toilets less, showered less, turned faucets off when not needing the water to run, washed larger loads of laundry, did not wash our cars.

California noted that the amount of water consumed dropped dramatically as they educated the public about ways to participate in using less water.

There are many changes that occurred.  Our water lifestyle changed.

Yesterday it was revealed that the North Bay, which includes the area of San Francisco and cities around it, is no longer experiencing a drought.

I choose not to focus on changing my water pattern.  It is a precious commodity and I like these habits.

Humans are intriguing in their patterns and potential to change.  Think about it.

In the month of December, my brother and two friends died.  Another friend was hurt badly in an auto accident. I provided support. I cried briefly. I moved on.

I watch little television, but one program I am dedicated to is Jeopardy.  I like the challenge.  I have watched it for many years and even record it so that I maintain the sequence.

This morning on the CBS Morning Show, a story was told about a contestant I just watched this week.  Today I learned that when she was accepted as a contestant, she informed the producers that she was terminally ill with cancer and needed to compete earlier than they had her scheduled.  They agreed.  She was on six segments. Her illness was never mentioned on the show.  It was disclosed today that she died before she saw her last appearance.

It touched my heart.  I felt like another person I knew had died.  The recent experience of the deaths and injury surfaced.  I cried.

Too much in too close a period of time.

This has been a common theme in therapy the past couple of weeks.  For a couple of people, it emerged as a result of the holiday season, either through the buying of gifts or holiday events to be attended.  For others, it was a vaster theme.

In one situation, a person is always tired.  During sessions, when her partner is talking, her eyes will sometimes close briefly. When I greet her at the door each week and ask how she is, she always responds, “Sleepy.”

Her partner says she takes care of everyone else, but not herself.  She does not agree that this is a problem, and she sees no correlation to being tired.

Another person cancelled an appointment at the last minute because she was training a new employee and felt that was a priority.  When I mentioned she was obligated to pay for the session because she cancelled so soon before the appointment, I received a message from her.  She said that she decided her own needs were important and therapy was helping her address that issue.  She came for her session.

We are each important.  It is valuable to be helpful and caring of others.  It is not often helpful to put them first.  We can develop an underpinning of emotions that can exhaust us.

Take care of yourself.

When I was a teenager, I wrote poems when I was sad, hurt, depressed.  I felt so isolated, so alone, that I needed to find a way to express my pain.  I do not ever recall sharing these feelings or poems with anyone.

When I read them weeks later, I thought they were beautiful, and I was impressed with my ability to express myself.

I did not keep them.  This is not a shock as I have never been a keeper of things.

Over the course of years I discovered, first as a high school teacher, and then as a psychologist, that I was not alone.  Many adolescents expressed their feelings through poetry.  I also learned that much music is written during emotional downs.  I encouraged people to hold on to their writings so they could read them at a later time in their lives.

As an adult I realized I handle sadness, hurt, and depression differently now.  I cry.  I reflect.  I indwell.  I ponder memories.  But I have no interest in creatively expressing feelings.  The pain does not feel as intense.  I do not feel isolated or alone.

As I have in many ways, I have changed.

During the holiday season, there are certain themes I have often heard people express.  One is concern over the cost of gifts, another is concern of what to buy people, and the last is regrets over rituals that have developed over years.

Some rituals grow tiresome for people. There is reluctance to decline an invitation or to start a new one.

Last night I went to my son’s home for the annual Latke Party to celebrate Hanukah.  I have attended this event many times.  Erik, Ellen, Isaac and Ari invite many friends from a variety of venues in their lives.  Some are from school,  athletic activities, neighbors, friends and family.

This year I was focusing on my experience of being there.  The guests are warm and welcoming. I have met many of them before, typically soccer or baseball games.  I observed a warm interaction between the adults and great camaraderie with the children.  The adults smiled, shook hands, engaged in conversation easily, and asked questions which reflected real interest.  There was true engagement.

The children were friendly and interacted with the adults easily.

The feeling was one of comfort, acceptance, and interacting genuinely.

I look forward to next year.